Learn Breathe Remember

Breathing Room

Welcome. Whatever brought you here, you're welcome to stay a while. There's no right way to grieve, and no rush.

Start wherever you are

Where would you like to begin?

I'm grieving and want to understand what I'm feeling I want to help someone who is grieving I need a quiet moment to breathe I want to tell someone about the person I lost I'm looking for others who understand I have a question

Our mission

Grief doesn't need fixing. It needs room.

Breathing Room offers clear, compassionate grief education, gentle breath and restorative practices, and a place to share stories of the people we love. It is for anyone living with loss, and for anyone who wants to support someone who is.

We don't promise that grief will end or follow a timeline. We try to make it a little less lonely and a little more understood, and to make space for both the pain and the love.

What we do

Three ways to make room

Learn

Plain-language education on what grief is, what it can feel like, and how to be with someone who is grieving.

Read the grief guide

Breathe

Gentle breathwork and restorative yoga, because grief lives in the body as well as the mind.

Try a breathing pause

Remember

Stories of the people we love and gatherings where grief is shared, because the bond doesn't end when a life does.

See upcoming gatherings

Questions people often ask

Curious where to start reading?

Does it ever get easier? Why do I feel so guilty? Is what I feel normal? How do I carry them with me? Why does it hurt in old places? What happens near the end of life?

About

About Breathing Room

Why "Breathing Room"

The name

After a loss, the world often asks us to move on quickly. Grief needs the opposite: time, space, and permission to be exactly where we are.

Breath is also the first place grief shows up and the simplest place to begin again. One slow breath won't take the pain away, but it can make enough room to feel it, learn from it, and remember the person we miss.

Honest about what this is

What to expect here

This is

Education and companionship
Gentle, optional practices
A place where every kind of grief is welcome

This is not

Therapy or medical care
A cure, or a timeline for "getting over it"
A promise that grief will be beautiful

The founder

Shooka Bandpey

Shooka is a mathematician, grief educator, yoga instructor, and lifelong learner with a growing commitment to creating compassionate spaces for conversations around grief, loss, death, and healing.

Her interest in this work is deeply personal and has led her to pursue grief education as a way to better understand the many ways we experience and carry loss. She is particularly interested in helping create spaces where grief can be acknowledged openly and honestly, without the expectation that it needs to follow a particular timeline or path.

Grief does not need to follow a particular timeline or path.

Shooka is also a certified yoga instructor, having completed a 200-hour yoga teacher training as well as additional training in restorative yoga. She is currently exploring ways to thoughtfully bring these areas together, including gentle and restorative yoga practices that may support people navigating grief and loss, as well as practices that invite reflection on mortality, impermanence, and our relationship with death.

She is excited to join the DC Death Collective to learn, connect, collaborate, and contribute to more open and human conversations around death and grief.

Contact bandpey65@gmail.com

Grief Education

A gentle guide to grief

Twelve questions people often carry after a loss, answered simply. Read in any order, and take breaks whenever you need.

Question 1

What is grief, really?

Grief is the inside of loss: the ache, the fog, the missing. Mourning is the outside: the rituals, the tears, the casseroles on the doorstep. Someone can mourn quietly and grieve enormously.

Grief isn't a problem to solve or a sign that someone is broken. It has no deadline. And no one knows a person's grief better than the person carrying it.

Grief has many shapes

Before the death, during a long goodbye Delayed until it feels safe Unseen by others, or dismissed Unclear, with no body or no answers Shared by a whole community Tangled with trauma Disguised as something else Piled up after several losses Heavy and lasting, making life hard to rebuild Ripples: losing roles, routines, plans

Ask a question about this

Question 2

What do grieving people need?

David Kessler names six needs that people in grief share. Like petals, they open at different times, and we return to each one more than once.

The six needs of the grieving, after David Kessler.

Being witnessed

Someone sees the loss and says, "This is real, and it matters."

Expressing feelings

Finding words for how today feels, not only for how they died.

Letting go of guilt

Gently loosening the "if only" stories.

Healing old wounds

Tending older hurts that grief brings to the surface.

Holding pain and love

Slowly remembering with more love than pain.

Finding meaning

Letting love for them shape how we go on living.

Ask a question about this

Question 3

Does it ever get easier?

Grief rarely moves in a straight line. It tends to come in waves. Early on they arrive often and crash hard. With time they usually come further apart, though a song, a date, or a smell can still bring a big one.

An illustration of a common pattern, not a measurement. Every person's waves are different.

Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe healthy grieving as moving back and forth: some hours facing the loss, some hours tending everyday life. Taking a break from the pain isn't avoiding it. It's part of how we heal.

You may know the five stages of grief from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Kessler added a sixth, meaning. The stages are a map of places people often visit, not a route everyone must follow in order.

The grief stays. Life grows around it.

“Grief won't get smaller. But you will get bigger.”David Kessler

Ask a question about this

Question 4

Is what I feel normal?

Almost certainly. Grief brings expected feelings and surprising ones, sometimes all in one afternoon. None of them mean you're grieving wrong.

Some of the feelings grief can hold. You might feel several at once, or none for a while.

If you feel numb

Numbness is protection. The mind lets feeling in a little at a time.

If you feel angry

Anger often guards pain, and sometimes fear, underneath.

If you feel relieved

After long suffering, relief is love for the person, not a wish to lose them.

If you feel stuck

"Stuck" is often a judgment. You're where you are, and that's allowed.

If you feel jealous

Seeing other families whole can sting. It's grief at how unfair life can be.

If you feel mixed

You can grieve a complicated person, and the relationship you wished for.

Remember

Feelings that are felt can move through. Feelings that are pushed down tend to come out sideways. No feeling is final.

Ask a question about this

Question 5

Why do I feel guilty?

Guilt is one of grief's most faithful companions. Part of the reason: feeling guilty can be easier than feeling helpless. If it was our fault, then we had some control. The harder truth is that people die even when they are deeply loved and well cared for.

One gentle practice is to turn each "what if" into an "even if." Tap a card to turn it over.

These are invented examples. Guilt rarely vanishes when someone says it's untrue. It softens slowly, one question at a time.

Ask a question about this

Question 6

Why does it hurt in old places?

A new loss can reopen older hurts: childhood pain, earlier losses, times we felt alone. One clue is listening for words like always, never, everyone, and no one.

"No one is ever there for me."

"Everyone leaves eventually."

"I always have to do it all myself."

"I'll never get it right."

Try

Find the evidence

Instead of forcing the opposite thought, add a true one: "I feel alone, and yet I reached out today."

Try

Speak to your younger self

Picture yourself at the age the hurt began, and say what that child needed to hear.

Try

Let the adult choose

The hurt part of you can have feelings. The grown-up part of you makes the decisions.

Try

Do the opposite

If the old hurt says "hide," take one small step toward connection.

Ask a question about this

Question 7

How can I help someone who is grieving?

You don't need perfect words. Grieving people mostly need to feel seen: someone who will listen, stay, and not rush them toward feeling better.

Instead of…Try…

"At least they're not suffering.""I'm so sorry. This is so hard."

"Everything happens for a reason.""I don't understand it either. I'm here."

"I know exactly how you feel.""I can't know how this is for you. Will you tell me?"

"You should be doing better by now.""There's no timeline. Take all the time you need."

"Let me know if you need anything.""I'm bringing dinner Thursday. Is six okay?"

Changing the subject"Tell me about her." Then listen.

A small thing that matters

Say the person's name. Many grieving people long to hear it.

Ask a question about this

Question 8

What happens near the end of life?

Because we rarely talk about dying, myths fill the silence. Later, those myths can turn into painful stories. A few facts can bring peace.

Myth

"Hospice means giving up."

Fact

Hospice changes the goal from cure to comfort, so a person can live as fully as possible until they die.

Myth

"The morphine is what killed him."

Fact

Given carefully for pain and breathlessness, morphine has not been shown to hasten death.

Myth

"If she's still breathing on the machine, she's still here."

Fact

Brain death is death. The person feels no pain, even while machines move air.

Myth

"He lost his battle."

Fact

Illness isn't a contest of willpower. The treatment failed. The person did not.

CPR on TV versus in real life

What TV teaches us to expect

≤95%

Outside the hospital

~30%

At the end of a terminal illness

<5%

Approximate figures from the training. This is why some hospitals now say "allow natural death" rather than "do not resuscitate."

Ask a question about this

Question 9

How do I carry them with me?

Grief has no finish line, and we don't leave our people behind. We bring them along, and we are changed. You may feel broken, but you are still whole.

Much suffering comes from carrying what isn't ours. It can help to notice which circle a worry belongs to.

We can only tend the inner circle. The rest we can grieve, but not control.

Small ways meaning can grow

Cooking their recipeSaying their name aloudPlanting somethingTelling their storyKindness in their honorGratitude for the years you hadLiving more fully because life is short

Meaning takes time and belongs to you alone. It doesn't explain the death, and it's never worth the loss. When hope disappears, someone else can hold it for you until you're ready to take it back.

Ask a question about this

Question 10

Is every loss different?

Yes. Each kind of loss carries its own weight. The topics below include child loss, suicide, and violent death, and each one opens only when you choose it.

When a child dies

It goes against the order we expect, at any age. A parent's grief may stretch across milestones that never happen. Saying the child's name and remembering birthdays often comforts more than silence. There is no rush to clear a bedroom.

Pregnancy loss and stillbirth

Often grieved quietly, though it is common. Due dates can be very hard. Naming, holding, and photographing a stillborn baby, or creating a small ritual, can help parents be parents.

Children who are grieving

Children step in and out of grief like puddles: tears, then play. Use simple, true words, welcome their questions, and tell them what will stay the same.

Losing a parent

Others may treat it as expected, but it can shake your foundation at any age. You may also grieve the parent you hoped for, and suddenly become the oldest generation.

Losing a partner

Life partners take roles, routines, and futures with them. Unmarried partners deserve the same recognition. Grief follows love, not paperwork.

Sudden loss, or many losses

After a sudden death, reminders can ambush you. With several losses, you can only grieve one person at a time. Let your heart choose which one today.

Dementia

A long series of goodbyes. It's okay to grieve each change as it comes.

Suicide, addiction, and mental illness

These are illnesses of the brain, not choices or failures of love. Say "died by suicide." For those who love someone with an addiction: you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

Violent death

Murder can shatter trust in the world. Courts and media can reopen the wound, and "justice" may mean something different to each family.

How children understand death

0–2

Feels the absence and the adults' stress.

2–6

May think death is temporary, like sleep.

6–9

May believe their thoughts caused it.

9–12

Knows death is final. Curious about details.

12+

Wonders about meaning. May feel set apart.

General patterns. Every child is their own person.

If you or someone you love is thinking about suicide, in the U.S. call or text 988, any time.

Ask a question about this

Question 11

What about faith and culture?

Loss can deepen faith, shake it, or change it. Each person and each culture has its own customs. The kindest approach is to ask, and to support people within their own beliefs, including people who don't believe in God. Many find comfort in signs that the bond continues: a cardinal, a song, a feeling.

"They're watching over us."

"They're somewhere beyond our knowing."

"Their life simply ended."

Whatever we believe:
grieve fully,
then live fully.

Forgiveness is a choice, never an obligation. It can happen privately, in a letter, or long after someone has died. It's for your peace, not their pardon.

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A pause

Can I pause for a moment?

Grief lives in the body as well as the mind. If this page has stirred something, try a few slow breaths. Breathe in as the circle grows and out as it softens. A longer out-breath can help the body settle.

Press start when you're ready

A simple breathing practice offered by this site, not part of the Kessler training.

Question 12

Where can I grieve with others?

We heal in connection. A good grief circle opens with a small ritual, lets each person tell their story, makes room for both deep pain and ordinary days, and ends gently. Others can often see our progress before we can.

Circle agreements

Listen without fixingNo advice unless askedOne voice at a timeWhat's shared stays here

These are the agreements planned for future gatherings.

Back to the questions

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Your turn

Questions and comments

Is something on this page unclear, or did something stay with you? Send a question or comment. Shooka reads every message. With your permission, some questions may be answered anonymously here or in a future video.

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Name (optional) Email (optional, if you'd like a private reply)

Which part is this about? Your question or comment It's okay to share my question anonymously

Messages are not read in real time. If you are in crisis, in the U.S. call or text 988 right away.

References

Sources and credits

The grief education on this site is based on David Kessler's teaching. Below is the training it comes from, plus the books and researchers that training draws on.

Primary source

Training completed by Shooka Bandpey

Kessler, D. (2025). Grief Educator Certification [12-week training program and course notebooks, Weeks 1–12]. David Kessler Training, grief.com. https://grief.com

The structure and content of the Grief Education page follow this program. That includes the Six Needs of the Grieving, the sixth stage of grief (meaning), and the guidance on guilt, old wounds, specific losses, and grief groups. These ideas are David Kessler's work. The summaries are written in Shooka's own words.

Books by David Kessler

Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.Integration and meaning; guides to finding meaning; guilt
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.The five stages of grief
Kessler, D. (2007). The needs of the dying: A guide for bringing hope, comfort, and love to life's final chapter. HarperCollins.Understanding death
Kessler, D. (2010). Visions, trips, and crowded rooms: Who and what you see before you die. Hay House.Beliefs and culture; deathbed visions

Other thinkers referenced in the training

Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Loss: Sadness and depression. Basic Books.Grief and attachment
Bradshaw, J. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Bantam.Old wounds; reparenting
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.Vulnerability; guilt and shame
Freud, S. (1917/1957). Mourning and melancholia. In J. Strachey (Ed. & Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 14, pp. 237–258). Hogarth Press.Early models of grief
Kimmerer, R. W. (2013). Braiding sweetgrass: Indigenous wisdom, scientific knowledge, and the teachings of plants. Milkweed Editions.Grief, gratitude, and the natural world
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.The five stages of grief
Rando, T. A. (1993). Treatment of complicated mourning. Research Press.The six "R" processes of mourning
Seligman, M. E. P., & Maier, S. F. (1967). Failure to escape traumatic shock. Journal of Experimental Psychology, 74(1), 1–9.Learned helplessness; old wounds
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.How grief moves (Dual Process Model)
Tronick, E., Als, H., Adamson, L., Wise, S., & Brazelton, T. B. (1978). The infant's response to entrapment between contradictory messages in face-to-face interaction. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 17(1), 1–13.The "Still Face" experiment; being with someone
Worden, J. W. (1982). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Springer.The four tasks of mourning

The training also discusses the work of Maya Angelou, Louise Hay, Alan Wolfelt, Robert Neimeyer, Anthony Mancini and George Bonanno, Carl Jung, and Joseph Campbell.

Data

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics. (2021). National Vital Statistics System: Mortality data. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/deaths.htmDeath and mortality in the United States (Week 3)

The CPR success figures on the Grief Education page are approximate values as taught in Week 3 of the training.

Where to find support

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.). Call or text 988. https://988lifeline.org
The Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. https://www.dougy.org
David Kessler. https://grief.com

Breathing Room

Where would you like to begin?

Grief doesn't need fixing. It needs room.

Three ways to make room

Learn

Breathe

Remember

Curious where to start reading?

About Breathing Room

The name

What to expect here

Shooka Bandpey

A gentle guide to grief

What is grief, really?

Grief has many shapes

What do grieving people need?

Being witnessed

Expressing feelings

Letting go of guilt

Healing old wounds

Holding pain and love

Finding meaning

Does it ever get easier?

The grief stays. Life grows around it.

Is what I feel normal?

Why do I feel guilty?

Why does it hurt in old places?

Find the evidence

Speak to your younger self

Let the adult choose

Do the opposite

How can I help someone who is grieving?

What happens near the end of life?

CPR on TV versus in real life

How do I carry them with me?

Small ways meaning can grow

Is every loss different?

How children understand death

What about faith and culture?

Can I pause for a moment?

Where can I grieve with others?

Circle agreements

Questions and comments

Sources and credits

Primary source

Books by David Kessler

Other thinkers referenced in the training

Data

Where to find support

Stories of loss and living

If you want to be heard, I'm here

Send your story

Books and films for grieving hearts

Grief support gatherings